Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Today was emotional bhahaha thats a joke tho if anyone
ever reads this they would think i have emotional days all the time

Until everything happened i dont even think i would or could have wrote a blog
Then this year happened and everything changed i feel like im changing

If i could do anything for a couple weeks i would go to banff and have a month living in the mountains serving tables at the spag and drinking at the pump and tap
It would be like i went back 5 years....its crazy it was so long ago i graduated high school and decided to become a snowboard bum

I wouldnt make any money but i would be doing a mindless job
no one to depend on me
no one to have no smile fakely at
Its hard doing my job sometimes
I love it but seeing moms and kids and pregnancies blah blah blah

I feel so bitter today i went to the doctors office to get a form filled out for work
I started bawling in the room waiting for the doctor

I was just picturing my mom in there then my mom healthy then as she dealt with cancer
Im getting a grief counciller
Im scared that all the emotions that i keep squishing down into my chest
One day will EXPLODE that ill freak out or go crazy
That scares me.....

Maybe i should have taken time off of work after the funeral but to do what?
M took a year to get over the death of his dad and for half of that didnt work
Just sat ouside and smoked stuff that isnt tabbaco
I cant just do nothing though for me doing my normal stuff seems...normal

So after i got home today after taking bailey out there were 3 cop cars
someone committed suicide in this building.....scary
You think that your the only one is so much pain
but thats really the extreme side of sadness

Im glad that with everything ive gone through that is not something that has ever crossed my mind

I worry though sometimes for my dad i know he has to be feeling the worst kind of pain
and aloneness i imagine being with M for 34 years and then having him die...watching him suffer

I cant imagine


Everyone can be angry or happy but in our society sadness makes us uncomfortable
Anyways im rambling and have things to do and work in a half hour

Keep Smiling
S.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

yesterday my mind was free
yesterday you were with me
you held my hand and helped my through
all my the growing up i had to do
yesterday you were so close
never thought id be talking to a ghost
because now i can not hold your hand
and that i truly dont understand
because your sposed to be with me
to help me through
you made me , me
i miss your laugh your smile
i only wish i could go back awhile
when my smile came so easy
when i laughed and my mind was clear
life was great i didnt know
then it all had to go
so now i sit here in my home
surronded by people but so alone
My face is a mask i put on each day
in hopes that one day it will really stay
how can a person get by when everyday they want to cry
miss u mum

Friday, April 9, 2010

So a month and a week ago my mom died
And the weather just sucks today so im thinking about it
I dont cry anymore when i think about it
Maybe because of what we all went through
For the 2 and a half months we all stayed home as a family and looked after her
Or the 12 days at the hospice
SHE FOUGHT
So hard and with so much bravery
I only saw her cry once so i will live laugh
love enjoy life have children and be the mother she was to me
In her memory as she looks down on me
I hope shes sitting on a beach somewhere up there drinking margarittas laughing at us in the snow
Love you mum

Keep Smiling
S.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Early day!

Sooooooooo Its 730 am..........tommorow i am sleeping in!! Yay easter weekend :) Until then today i will drink coffee and wait for my babes to get off of work so we can relax. hes such a super awesome guy. That stupid phrase i always heard..when you know youll know its actually true


So heres to multigrain cheerios! The fact that its a nice day outside! And the fact i get a free coffee and a nice drive to where i gotta go today ....weird i was seeing if writing happy made me more positive and it kinda did sooooo gotta get my butt in gear and get dressed

Keep Smiling
S.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Tattoos


So yesterday me and my younger sister went and got memorial tattoos in memory of my mum. Mine took an hour and a half and i really didnt remember my first tattoo hurting so much but i guess it was bigger anyways i just though of my mum and got through it i looooove it so much just
having her name on my body i dunno its a weird feeling but good like shes there now with me.



Just watching criminal minds love the show but sometimes its so sad. I think tv has made everyone blase about bad things now when they happen in real life its sad for a while then people forget

Anyways im pretty impressed that im still writing on this :)
Keep Smiling

S.

Friday, March 26, 2010


I think for a long time I have held people back

I dont know when i truly realized it, but i think it was when K and T had their get together for me and invited my friends and we laughed and drank and just enjoyed being together.

Thats what friends are....a weird realization to have at age 24...and its not like ive never had friends i think ive just always held them at arms length, i moved to the mountains right after high school and didnt really feel the need to keep more that one or two people close and then when i moved back it was with a guy whose sole purpose in life was being a bum.....to be fair he was a great guy, good heart just some questionable habits and priorities

My parents never really were mean or unkind to any of the boyfriends i had...In high school alooooot lol it must have been going to an all girls school, i was really self concious in high school and obsessed over straighting my hair and doing my makeup and looking back i really didnt need to and wasted alot of time by doing that but thats just one of the things about life i guess you experience what you experience.

So now i feel like im building this great support system of people who i care about and who care about me and its just weird to think ive never missed not having that. I love that i have it now though and im truly going to do my part in making those friendships grow. Wow this post was somewhat cheesy today lol I got a really nice baskert of flowers yesterday from four friends though so im in a cheesy happy mood its nice havent had a cheesy day for a while. Anyways gotta go clean the kitchen.....I wonder whether theres a point in life you enjoy cleaning and doing laundry bc i hate doing it now!

Keep Smiling!

S.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hello!


So little by little with effort my happy is coming back
Sometimes i get sad

I think about my mum more than once a day for sure
But I also remember how strong she was and that makes me proud
Today i sang so loud in the car
Chicago haha i saw the cd in the library and thought what the heck

And its actually pretty good I watched the movie a while ago and mum and sis went to see it
Roooooxy dun dun dun de dum dum dum dee its gonna be Rooooxy
Well..we know now that song will be with me for the rest of the night

So to go to guess that song or not...
Its downtown boooo but some old friends of hubbys will be there :)
So maaaybe we will have to see

Keep Smiling!

S.


My puppy is so cute!!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Yesterday was a bad day


Yeah so yesterday sucked It started out fine

M went to work and i was just at home listening to Rob Thomas and getting ready to
walk the dog when some song came on...i think it was ever the same...
I wasnt even really listening to it just all of a sudden got sad about mum

Then i turned it off and went for a walk but it followed me
kind of like a soul sucking ache in your heart pain
Its hard to describe it was like reality was saying to me shes gone shes gone

And i was just trying to walk away from it and trying to forget
My life was good before you know....i had my M my family and pets
We werent rich or poor but doing ok in all accounts

Before cancer happened to my family and ended my moms life so suddenly
I think i thought bad things wouldnt happen to us
i mean bad things had happened

Getting diagnosed with MS a week before my wedding was horrible
But i kind of thought that was it like ok heres my bad luck i will be strong and deal with it

Then BAM POW first nanny, then angel baby and then my fucking mom

I dont even know how im still sane
But theres something inside of me that keeps fighting
I wont let something that hurt my mom hurt me so fully as well

For my strong beautiful mom I will get up i will smile I will walk the dog
I wont be scared to listen to music I will write my blog and I will live

So many people forget but thats the hugest thing she has given me
To respect and never take for granted that life is beautiful
I love you so much mum
I miss hugging you talking to you laughing with you reading beside you cooking with you

Everything....but i will
Keep Smiling,

S.

Monday, March 15, 2010

This weekend was awesome !! So finally got to go out and
Visit
Dance
Drink

It was so fun i needed it i feel like i havent been out in a long long time
Kurt made us supper
Sheesh sometimes hes so stupid
Hes been wanting to come over forever!! And i was pumped to hang out
and then he brought over a crazy random lol
She didnt talk
at all
I felt like it was painful gosh
It was so annnnnoying But


The rest if this night was amazing!! K and T's new place was awesome
The rest of the night was so fun finally got out to the bar at 1230
annnnyways gtg write later
Keep Smiling!!
S.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Blog 4?.....I think :) Weekend!!

Happy Today :) Heard some great music and it started my day...gonna finally get out today and drink with friends i need it so much! Keep Smiling
S.
http://www.youtube.com/callmeauburn#p/a/f/1/MRLgC3ikfi8

Awesome youtube channel!

Song Perfect two is sooo beautiful

so check it out!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Bah Backgounds!

This is a really cool background i found but i have no idea how i can write on it...Retro Witch Black Swirls Images

Day Four.....its been a couple days

So its been a couple days since i last wrote anything on this thing
im wondering if i really have what it takes to be a blogger
in my sisters point of view you have to do it everyday and like doing it

Well i do like doing it
i think its writing it everday that bugs me
i mean sometimes im to busy
and when matts home id rather hang out with him then sit alone and blog

Plus i looked at other peoples blogs
they are soooooo interesting looking
mine seems very plain jane in comparison
I mean how do you add cool background
and movies and i dont even know
I feel very un internety at the moment erggggg
I will take the time sometime and learn
but id rather search other things and look at movie reviews
going to see Precious tonight
heard its good but sad
Ill rate it when i get home
Keep Smiling

S.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Day Three- Hopeful

So today it was sunny

Maybe it was that just lifted my mood a bit but i smiled a couple times today

And i think one of those times i actually meant it

History of the past seven weeks for me reads like a sad novel unfortunately

First the only grandparent that i have left passed away suddenly
Second i had a miscarriage at 5 weeks
Third is on tuesday my mum passed away in a hospice 12 days after being admitted

2 of those things were totally unexpected and the third really was as well as i sit here thinking about it.....you know its weird my mom was a non smoker and she died of lung cancer that had spread to her bones and brain

That has not even really hit home for me really...I expect her to sing in the kitchen anyways family is up so gotta run ill finish later....

Friday, March 5, 2010

Day Two- House full of people

Wow i am so so happy that i live in my own condo

i dont mind usually....
Things are different now though because my moms not there

Instead of her, singing in the kitchen and joking
we have visitors
Her older sister
Her younger sister....and her daughter


I think thats what sucks the most watching them be mother and daughter
while i will never have that with my mom again

I know im in a pissy mood but i want to yell at them
stop being normal stop being happy

I know people grieve and are sad in different ways
show their emotions differently....what did i go to school for
but to learn why some people act the way they do

I dont really care right now though i suppose over the next few months it
will be interesting...

To see how i change

To see when things begin to look a little brighter

To not dread waking up and remembering

That its a day without someone I love.

Keep Smiling
S.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Day One- Sad not afraid to admit it


Its crazy.......life....you can be walking along and POW..
and then you look back at when you were happy...really happy
And you look back and wish that could be now again

How depressing sheesh i cant even believe it a back ache turned into cancer
not just cancer but the stuff that was irriversable ..a non smoker killed in 3 months
fought so hard, deserved to live
But life doesnt really work out i guess took me this long to figure it out
would love to go back when i though life was fair urgg

Anyways first blog...sorta depressing i guess but its just that kind of day
anyways keep smiling
have made a goal to write on this everyday for a month
not super great at following through on things (and not afraid to admit it)
so let the countdown begin after that who knows!

love.
S