Today was emotional bhahaha thats a joke tho if anyone

ever reads this they would think i have emotional days all the time

Until everything happened i dont even think i would or could have wrote a blog

Then this year happened and everything changed i feel like im changing

If i could do anything for a couple weeks i would go to banff and have a month living in the mountains serving tables at the spag and drinking at the pump and tap

It would be like i went back 5 years....its crazy it was so long ago i graduated high school and decided to become a snowboard bum

I wouldnt make any money but i would be doing a mindless job

no one to depend on me

no one to have no smile fakely at

Its hard doing my job sometimes

I love it but seeing moms and kids and pregnancies blah blah blah

I feel so bitter today i went to the doctors office to get a form filled out for work

I started bawling in the room waiting for the doctor

I was just picturing my mom in there then my mom healthy then as she dealt with cancer

Im getting a grief counciller

Im scared that all the emotions that i keep squishing down into my chest

One day will EXPLODE that ill freak out or go crazy

That scares me.....

Maybe i should have taken time off of work after the funeral but to do what?

M took a year to get over the death of his dad and for half of that didnt work

Just sat ouside and smoked stuff that isnt tabbaco

I cant just do nothing though for me doing my normal stuff seems...normal

So after i got home today after taking bailey out there were 3 cop cars

someone committed suicide in this building.....scary

You think that your the only one is so much pain

but thats really the extreme side of sadness

Im glad that with everything ive gone through that is not something that has ever crossed my mind

I worry though sometimes for my dad i know he has to be feeling the worst kind of pain

and aloneness i imagine being with M for 34 years and then having him die...watching him suffer

I cant imagine

Everyone can be angry or happy but in our society sadness makes us uncomfortable

Anyways im rambling and have things to do and work in a half hour

Keep Smiling

S.