Tattoos

So yesterday me and my younger sister went and got memorial tattoos in memory of my mum. Mine took an hour and a half and i really didnt remember my first tattoo hurting so much but i guess it was bigger anyways i just though of my mum and got through it i looooove it so much just

having her name on my body i dunno its a weird feeling but good like shes there now with me.

Just watching criminal minds love the show but sometimes its so sad. I think tv has made everyone blase about bad things now when they happen in real life its sad for a while then people forget

Anyways im pretty impressed that im still writing on this :)

Keep Smiling

S.

I think for a long time I have held people back

I dont know when i truly realized it, but i think it was when K and T had their get together for me and invited my friends and we laughed and drank and just enjoyed being together.

Thats what friends are....a weird realization to have at age 24...and its not like ive never had friends i think ive just always held them at arms length, i moved to the mountains right after high school and didnt really feel the need to keep more that one or two people close and then when i moved back it was with a guy whose sole purpose in life was being a bum.....to be fair he was a great guy, good heart just some questionable habits and priorities

My parents never really were mean or unkind to any of the boyfriends i had...In high school alooooot lol it must have been going to an all girls school, i was really self concious in high school and obsessed over straighting my hair and doing my makeup and looking back i really didnt need to and wasted alot of time by doing that but thats just one of the things about life i guess you experience what you experience.

So now i feel like im building this great support system of people who i care about and who care about me and its just weird to think ive never missed not having that. I love that i have it now though and im truly going to do my part in making those friendships grow. Wow this post was somewhat cheesy today lol I got a really nice baskert of flowers yesterday from four friends though so im in a cheesy happy mood its nice havent had a cheesy day for a while. Anyways gotta go clean the kitchen.....I wonder whether theres a point in life you enjoy cleaning and doing laundry bc i hate doing it now!

Keep Smiling!

S.

Hello!

So little by little with effort my happy is coming back

Sometimes i get sad

I think about my mum more than once a day for sure

But I also remember how strong she was and that makes me proud

Today i sang so loud in the car

Chicago haha i saw the cd in the library and thought what the heck

And its actually pretty good I watched the movie a while ago and mum and sis went to see it

Roooooxy dun dun dun de dum dum dum dee its gonna be Rooooxy

Well..we know now that song will be with me for the rest of the night

So to go to guess that song or not...

Its downtown boooo but some old friends of hubbys will be there :)

So maaaybe we will have to see

Keep Smiling!

S.

My puppy is so cute!!

Yesterday was a bad day

Yeah so yesterday sucked It started out fine

M went to work and i was just at home listening to Rob Thomas and getting ready to

walk the dog when some song came on...i think it was ever the same...

I wasnt even really listening to it just all of a sudden got sad about mum

Then i turned it off and went for a walk but it followed me

kind of like a soul sucking ache in your heart pain

Its hard to describe it was like reality was saying to me shes gone shes gone

And i was just trying to walk away from it and trying to forget

My life was good before you know....i had my M my family and pets

We werent rich or poor but doing ok in all accounts

Before cancer happened to my family and ended my moms life so suddenly

I think i thought bad things wouldnt happen to us

i mean bad things had happened

Getting diagnosed with MS a week before my wedding was horrible

But i kind of thought that was it like ok heres my bad luck i will be strong and deal with it

Then BAM POW first nanny, then angel baby and then my fucking mom

I dont even know how im still sane

But theres something inside of me that keeps fighting

I wont let something that hurt my mom hurt me so fully as well

For my strong beautiful mom I will get up i will smile I will walk the dog

I wont be scared to listen to music I will write my blog and I will live

So many people forget but thats the hugest thing she has given me

To respect and never take for granted that life is beautiful

I love you so much mum

I miss hugging you talking to you laughing with you reading beside you cooking with you

Everything....but i will

Keep Smiling,

S.

This weekend was awesome !! So finally got to go out and

Visit

Dance

Drink

It was so fun i needed it i feel like i havent been out in a long long time

Kurt made us supper

Sheesh sometimes hes so stupid

Hes been wanting to come over forever!! And i was pumped to hang out

and then he brought over a crazy random lol

She didnt talk

at all

I felt like it was painful gosh

It was so annnnnoying But

The rest if this night was amazing!! K and T's new place was awesome

The rest of the night was so fun finally got out to the bar at 1230

annnnyways gtg write later

Keep Smiling!!

S.

Blog 4?.....I think :) Weekend!!

Happy Today :) Heard some great music and it started my day...gonna finally get out today and drink with friends i need it so much! Keep Smiling

S.
http://www.youtube.com/callmeauburn#p/a/f/1/MRLgC3ikfi8

Awesome youtube channel!

Song Perfect two is sooo beautiful

so check it out!

Bah Backgounds!

This is a really cool background i found but i have no idea how i can write on it...

Day Four.....its been a couple days

So its been a couple days since i last wrote anything on this thing

im wondering if i really have what it takes to be a blogger

in my sisters point of view you have to do it everyday and like doing it

Well i do like doing it

i think its writing it everday that bugs me

i mean sometimes im to busy

and when matts home id rather hang out with him then sit alone and blog

Plus i looked at other peoples blogs

they are soooooo interesting looking

mine seems very plain jane in comparison

I mean how do you add cool background

and movies and i dont even know

I feel very un internety at the moment erggggg

I will take the time sometime and learn

but id rather search other things and look at movie reviews

going to see Precious tonight

heard its good but sad

Ill rate it when i get home

Keep Smiling

S.

Day Three- Hopeful

So today it was sunny

Maybe it was that just lifted my mood a bit but i smiled a couple times today

And i think one of those times i actually meant it

History of the past seven weeks for me reads like a sad novel unfortunately

First the only grandparent that i have left passed away suddenly

Second i had a miscarriage at 5 weeks

Third is on tuesday my mum passed away in a hospice 12 days after being admitted

2 of those things were totally unexpected and the third really was as well as i sit here thinking about it.....you know its weird my mom was a non smoker and she died of lung cancer that had spread to her bones and brain

That has not even really hit home for me really...I expect her to sing in the kitchen anyways family is up so gotta run ill finish later....

Day Two- House full of people

Wow i am so so happy that i live in my own condo

i dont mind usually....

Things are different now though because my moms not there

Instead of her, singing in the kitchen and joking

we have visitors

Her older sister

Her younger sister....and her daughter

I think thats what sucks the most watching them be mother and daughter

while i will never have that with my mom again

I know im in a pissy mood but i want to yell at them

stop being normal stop being happy

I know people grieve and are sad in different ways

show their emotions differently....what did i go to school for

but to learn why some people act the way they do

I dont really care right now though i suppose over the next few months it

will be interesting...

To see how i change

To see when things begin to look a little brighter

To not dread waking up and remembering

That its a day without someone I love.

Keep Smiling

S.

Day One- Sad not afraid to admit it

Its crazy.......life....you can be walking along and POW..

and then you look back at when you were happy...really happy

And you look back and wish that could be now again

How depressing sheesh i cant even believe it a back ache turned into cancer

not just cancer but the stuff that was irriversable ..a non smoker killed in 3 months

fought so hard, deserved to live

But life doesnt really work out i guess took me this long to figure it out

would love to go back when i though life was fair urgg

Anyways first blog...sorta depressing i guess but its just that kind of day

anyways keep smiling

have made a goal to write on this everyday for a month

not super great at following through on things (and not afraid to admit it)

so let the countdown begin after that who knows!

love.

S