Today was emotional bhahaha thats a joke tho if anyone

ever reads this they would think i have emotional days all the time

Until everything happened i dont even think i would or could have wrote a blog

Then this year happened and everything changed i feel like im changing

If i could do anything for a couple weeks i would go to banff and have a month living in the mountains serving tables at the spag and drinking at the pump and tap

It would be like i went back 5 years....its crazy it was so long ago i graduated high school and decided to become a snowboard bum

I wouldnt make any money but i would be doing a mindless job

no one to depend on me

no one to have no smile fakely at

Its hard doing my job sometimes

I love it but seeing moms and kids and pregnancies blah blah blah

I feel so bitter today i went to the doctors office to get a form filled out for work

I started bawling in the room waiting for the doctor

I was just picturing my mom in there then my mom healthy then as she dealt with cancer

Im getting a grief counciller

Im scared that all the emotions that i keep squishing down into my chest

One day will EXPLODE that ill freak out or go crazy

That scares me.....

Maybe i should have taken time off of work after the funeral but to do what?

M took a year to get over the death of his dad and for half of that didnt work

Just sat ouside and smoked stuff that isnt tabbaco

I cant just do nothing though for me doing my normal stuff seems...normal

So after i got home today after taking bailey out there were 3 cop cars

someone committed suicide in this building.....scary

You think that your the only one is so much pain

but thats really the extreme side of sadness

Im glad that with everything ive gone through that is not something that has ever crossed my mind

I worry though sometimes for my dad i know he has to be feeling the worst kind of pain

and aloneness i imagine being with M for 34 years and then having him die...watching him suffer

I cant imagine

Everyone can be angry or happy but in our society sadness makes us uncomfortable

Anyways im rambling and have things to do and work in a half hour

Keep Smiling

S.

yesterday my mind was free

yesterday you were with me

you held my hand and helped my through

all my the growing up i had to do

yesterday you were so close

never thought id be talking to a ghost

because now i can not hold your hand

and that i truly dont understand

because your sposed to be with me

to help me through

you made me , me

i miss your laugh your smile

i only wish i could go back awhile

when my smile came so easy

when i laughed and my mind was clear

life was great i didnt know

then it all had to go

so now i sit here in my home

surronded by people but so alone

My face is a mask i put on each day

in hopes that one day it will really stay

how can a person get by when everyday they want to cry

miss u mum

So a month and a week ago my mom died

And the weather just sucks today so im thinking about it

I dont cry anymore when i think about it

Maybe because of what we all went through

For the 2 and a half months we all stayed home as a family and looked after her

Or the 12 days at the hospice

SHE FOUGHT

So hard and with so much bravery

I only saw her cry once so i will live laugh

love enjoy life have children and be the mother she was to me

In her memory as she looks down on me

I hope shes sitting on a beach somewhere up there drinking margarittas laughing at us in the snow

Love you mum

Keep Smiling

S.

Early day!

Sooooooooo Its 730 am..........tommorow i am sleeping in!! Yay easter weekend :) Until then today i will drink coffee and wait for my babes to get off of work so we can relax. hes such a super awesome guy. That stupid phrase i always heard..when you know youll know its actually true

So heres to multigrain cheerios! The fact that its a nice day outside! And the fact i get a free coffee and a nice drive to where i gotta go today ....weird i was seeing if writing happy made me more positive and it kinda did sooooo gotta get my butt in gear and get dressed

Keep Smiling

S.

Tattoos

So yesterday me and my younger sister went and got memorial tattoos in memory of my mum. Mine took an hour and a half and i really didnt remember my first tattoo hurting so much but i guess it was bigger anyways i just though of my mum and got through it i looooove it so much just

having her name on my body i dunno its a weird feeling but good like shes there now with me.

Just watching criminal minds love the show but sometimes its so sad. I think tv has made everyone blase about bad things now when they happen in real life its sad for a while then people forget

Anyways im pretty impressed that im still writing on this :)

Keep Smiling

S.

I think for a long time I have held people back

I dont know when i truly realized it, but i think it was when K and T had their get together for me and invited my friends and we laughed and drank and just enjoyed being together.

Thats what friends are....a weird realization to have at age 24...and its not like ive never had friends i think ive just always held them at arms length, i moved to the mountains right after high school and didnt really feel the need to keep more that one or two people close and then when i moved back it was with a guy whose sole purpose in life was being a bum.....to be fair he was a great guy, good heart just some questionable habits and priorities

My parents never really were mean or unkind to any of the boyfriends i had...In high school alooooot lol it must have been going to an all girls school, i was really self concious in high school and obsessed over straighting my hair and doing my makeup and looking back i really didnt need to and wasted alot of time by doing that but thats just one of the things about life i guess you experience what you experience.

So now i feel like im building this great support system of people who i care about and who care about me and its just weird to think ive never missed not having that. I love that i have it now though and im truly going to do my part in making those friendships grow. Wow this post was somewhat cheesy today lol I got a really nice baskert of flowers yesterday from four friends though so im in a cheesy happy mood its nice havent had a cheesy day for a while. Anyways gotta go clean the kitchen.....I wonder whether theres a point in life you enjoy cleaning and doing laundry bc i hate doing it now!

Keep Smiling!

S.

Hello!

So little by little with effort my happy is coming back

Sometimes i get sad

I think about my mum more than once a day for sure

But I also remember how strong she was and that makes me proud

Today i sang so loud in the car

Chicago haha i saw the cd in the library and thought what the heck

And its actually pretty good I watched the movie a while ago and mum and sis went to see it

Roooooxy dun dun dun de dum dum dum dee its gonna be Rooooxy

Well..we know now that song will be with me for the rest of the night

So to go to guess that song or not...

Its downtown boooo but some old friends of hubbys will be there :)

So maaaybe we will have to see

Keep Smiling!

S.

My puppy is so cute!!