Today was emotional bhahaha thats a joke tho if anyone

ever reads this they would think i have emotional days all the time

Until everything happened i dont even think i would or could have wrote a blog

Then this year happened and everything changed i feel like im changing

If i could do anything for a couple weeks i would go to banff and have a month living in the mountains serving tables at the spag and drinking at the pump and tap

It would be like i went back 5 years....its crazy it was so long ago i graduated high school and decided to become a snowboard bum

I wouldnt make any money but i would be doing a mindless job

no one to depend on me

no one to have no smile fakely at

Its hard doing my job sometimes

I love it but seeing moms and kids and pregnancies blah blah blah

I feel so bitter today i went to the doctors office to get a form filled out for work

I started bawling in the room waiting for the doctor

I was just picturing my mom in there then my mom healthy then as she dealt with cancer

Im getting a grief counciller

Im scared that all the emotions that i keep squishing down into my chest

One day will EXPLODE that ill freak out or go crazy

That scares me.....

Maybe i should have taken time off of work after the funeral but to do what?

M took a year to get over the death of his dad and for half of that didnt work

Just sat ouside and smoked stuff that isnt tabbaco

I cant just do nothing though for me doing my normal stuff seems...normal

So after i got home today after taking bailey out there were 3 cop cars

someone committed suicide in this building.....scary

You think that your the only one is so much pain

but thats really the extreme side of sadness

Im glad that with everything ive gone through that is not something that has ever crossed my mind

I worry though sometimes for my dad i know he has to be feeling the worst kind of pain

and aloneness i imagine being with M for 34 years and then having him die...watching him suffer

I cant imagine

Everyone can be angry or happy but in our society sadness makes us uncomfortable

Anyways im rambling and have things to do and work in a half hour

Keep Smiling

S.

yesterday my mind was free

yesterday you were with me

you held my hand and helped my through

all my the growing up i had to do

yesterday you were so close

never thought id be talking to a ghost

because now i can not hold your hand

and that i truly dont understand

because your sposed to be with me

to help me through

you made me , me

i miss your laugh your smile

i only wish i could go back awhile

when my smile came so easy

when i laughed and my mind was clear

life was great i didnt know

then it all had to go

so now i sit here in my home

surronded by people but so alone

My face is a mask i put on each day

in hopes that one day it will really stay

how can a person get by when everyday they want to cry

miss u mum

So a month and a week ago my mom died

And the weather just sucks today so im thinking about it

I dont cry anymore when i think about it

Maybe because of what we all went through

For the 2 and a half months we all stayed home as a family and looked after her

Or the 12 days at the hospice

SHE FOUGHT

So hard and with so much bravery

I only saw her cry once so i will live laugh

love enjoy life have children and be the mother she was to me

In her memory as she looks down on me

I hope shes sitting on a beach somewhere up there drinking margarittas laughing at us in the snow

Love you mum

Keep Smiling

S.

Early day!

Sooooooooo Its 730 am..........tommorow i am sleeping in!! Yay easter weekend :) Until then today i will drink coffee and wait for my babes to get off of work so we can relax. hes such a super awesome guy. That stupid phrase i always heard..when you know youll know its actually true

So heres to multigrain cheerios! The fact that its a nice day outside! And the fact i get a free coffee and a nice drive to where i gotta go today ....weird i was seeing if writing happy made me more positive and it kinda did sooooo gotta get my butt in gear and get dressed

Keep Smiling

S.